What marriage means and thoughts confronting polygamy

I am constantly reminded how much my experience of this "waiting period" until my husband gets here differs from his experience does in Niger.  I've already talked about my side of things, so here's his, from what I understand:  he got married and his wife, instead of moving in with him to run a household and begin having lots of children, went back to the US and got a job, and has no intention of living in Niger.  So he is alone with full custody of three children.  This makes absolutely no sense to most of his family there.  Being married does not equate to being alone--it's just not how they do it.  And the fact that his wife is working hard to help cover the costs of his immigration process and that of his children doesn't matter.  She's not by his side.  So, logically, in their eyes, he should marry a second wife.

Yes, polygamy is legal in Niger.  It's becoming less and less of a common practice, but second marriages are often proposed as a solution to various "challenges":  the first wife not bearing any children, for example.  Don't get me wrong:  all of the above makes me furious.  I'm busting my ass for him and his family is trying to get him another wife.  My husband is obviously not on board with this plan, but I am still confronted with the fact that members of his family are.  It's a huge cultural difference that is walking up to me and slapping me in the face.

But I'm trying my best to wrap my head around it.  And at the root it boils down to the incredibly different conceptions of marriage in our two cultures.  Marriage, in the United States, for the most part, is a choice made by two individuals to form a partnership, ideally based on mutual respect, love, intimacy, and shared responsibility.  Sure, many marriages fall short of this ideal, but I think that most couples aspire to some form of it.  And from my conversations with older women, and a healthy dose of Mad Men, it's clear to me that this conception is, even for us, relatively recent. 

So, to go back to Niger.  It's a communitarian, mostly Muslim society.  The urban population of Niger is very small:  most of the country lives in rural villages or smaller towns.  The shift from an agrarian-based society to a professional-based society is only in its infancy, even in the capital city, and in the countryside you don't see it at all.  And in an agrarian, communitarian society, the social norms of the group are of primary importance--in fact, they're essential for survival.  To fall outside of the social norms is like tearing at that society's fabric.

One of the most important norms of Nigerien society is marriage.  Simply put, you have to do it.  If you don't, there is something wrong with you.  That said, in urban areas, society is in the midst of a shift from arranged marriages to marriages for love.  But it's a transition that will take a long time and the interim result is the obligation of marriage without the obligation of marrying your distant cousin or your parents' friends's daughter/niece/friend.  So in my brief experience in Niger I've witnessed a number of hasty marriages for, in my opinion, the worst reasons.  And I've also experienced women who have had to accept their husband marrying a second wife.  There's a lot of suffering. 

There is no way I can ever understand this conception of marriage:  it has nothing to do the idea that I've grown up with and see all around me.  But I can try my best not to fault my in-laws for doing what they think is right to preserve their culture, even if ultimately I believe (and my husband does too, for the record) that marriage in Niger will eventually be more and more a choice of two individuals who want to build a life together, as partners.  That may look very different than it does here, but to truly preserve itself, culture does have to evolve.

In the meantime, I have to release my frustration about this situation in whatever way I can and feel thankful that I'm not in a position where I'd feel obligated to be one of two wives or the young wife of some older relative or condemned to be a homemaker and birth a half dozen children.  How incredibly lucky I am.